MY NEW CASINO LAWS
Follow these 13 simple rules or else
By Frank Scoblete
I am done with the regular way casinos do things and how they treat their customers. They are too lenient with ploppies; ploppies who play there and, yes friends, ploppies who work there.
As of now, right this minute, no, right this second, the following rules and punishments will be in place:
• Anyone who gives unasked-for advice at blackjack will be dragged outside by his or her hair and told to never come back to that casino again. If it is raining these players will be rolled in puddles, preferably muddy puddles.
• If said blackjack player returns to the casino he or she shall be arrested for trespassing after being spanked with a stick that is used in craps to move the dice along. Such a player then must say out loud over and over: “I will never give unsolicited advice! I will never give unsolicited advice! I will never give unsolicited advice!”
• Dealers who do not understand basic strategy at blackjack will be forced to go to blackjack camp without being paid and they must memorize all basic strategies for all games such as single-deck, double-deck, and other-decks. If the dealer cannot learn these basic strategies he or she shall be spanked with a stick that is used in craps to move the dice along.
• Craps players who violate the following rules will have the following punishments: a player throwing in bets when the shooter has the dice shall be forced to eat a chip. Continued violation of such rule will cause player to be banned after being rolled in mud.
• A craps player who says the word “seven” at the table will be forced to eat the dice when they roll a seven. Continued violation of this rule will cause the player to be banned after being rolled in mud.
• A craps player who bets the “don’t pass or don’t come” or any don’t bet in such a way as to irritate elderly“rightside” players will be forced to share a room with three “rightside” players currently on probation for doing seriously wrong things.
• A craps player who dangles his fingers, hands, forearms or head over the layout shall have said body parts removed forthwith. Then said players, except (obviously) the one without his head, shall be forced to play an intense game of catch with each other or be banned from ever returning to the casino.
• Dealers who talk over a craps game with each other— called cross-talk—shall have their larynxes removed without anesthesia. If they learn sign language and continue to crosstalk they shall have their hands removed, again without anesthesia.
• Dealers who give the wrong advice as to which are the best bets at craps shall be spanked by a stickman who understands the game and also understands how to hit his co-workers really, really hard.
• Slot players who tell other slot players that thus-and-such machines are due or not due shall have their whole bodies inserted into a Big Bertha machine for an hour. If such machines are not available in the casino, the said transgressor will then be forced to watch all the Democrat and Republican primaries since they were first televised. Then the “due-ers” must write an essay explaining what the platforms of the various candidates were.
• Casino workers who tell slot players which machines will hit in the unlikely event such machines do hit in order to get tips, these scammers shall be forced to put their heads next to the heads of those who said that machines were due or not due to hit. Big Bertha will have a full belly or our former primaries will finally get some current viewers.
• Players who think any betting system is as good as any other betting system at games such as blackjack, craps, roulette, various card games will have to go back to 5th grade to learn math so they can understand casino games more fully. If they fail to learn the math of the games, they will have to go back to 4th grade. If, however, they wind up in nursery school and fail again they will be rolled in mud and put in a crib.
• If someone who proclaims to know something about casino gambling says all the games are evenly split 50/50 between male and female players must go to “casino reality remedial school” to learn what the actual breakdown of the games is regarding the sexes. If such distillers of incorrect information refuse to believe the reality because of a stubborn PC-ness, they shall be forced to spend time kayaking the Amazon River dangling their feet in the piranha infested water and shouting insults about their mothers to the invisible natives with poisoned arrows hiding in the jungle. I have more rules I’ve developed but this is a good start; 13 simple precepts that will make the casino experience more enjoyable—at least for me and, after all, who is the most important individual in the world of Lady Luck? Me!
A word to the wise: I recommend you memorize these rules because I am going to institute a test to all casino players before I allow them to play. ´
Frank Scoblete is the author of I Am a Dice Controller: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Craps! I Am A Card Counter: Inside the World of Advantage-Play Blackjack! and Confessions of a Wayward Catholic! Available from Amazon.com, Kindle, Barnes and Noble, and at bookstores.